| | Subject: | [bah] | | Time: | 01:12 pm |
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| nothing is what it seems
sometimes, many times, i sit and imagine what it would be like to have him here.. or i there.
having that privledge of his touch whenever i wished.. or mine, his.
how sweet it would be, for him to soothe my meloncholy ways and self-doubt with one tender kiss.
nights filled with passion, days with an undying devotion, and a secure and endless love.. our bond.
but alas, it's not within any rhyme, reason, or possibility at this present moment.. good or bad?
i sway between the two, pondering petty thoughts, only to be whisked away again into my catatonic fairytale.
deluded by the denial of my past, i fret the worst, hope for the best, and still come out empty handed.
cynical, pessimistic, narcissistic, spiraling towards an eagerly awaited answer, still i wait.. breathless.
one would say, "you're driving yourself insane over nothing", because to them, this is.. just that.. nothing.
it is my fairytale, it is my everything, it is all i have ever wanted yet could never tackle and hold onto.
it is my dream, my demented idea of forever.. or what forever should be, or perhaps.. could be.. with him.
but real? that word in itself is a contradiction, what is real? who is real?
who makes up the final decision on what "real" is or how it is to be perceived and defined by everyone?
how is my real, so.. so different? or is it? maybe everyone else is just as different as i.
i want "real", right now real, tomorrow real, and every day after that, so on and so forth, real.. vivid reality.
but that is the least of my worries.. im still holding on to the chance.. the thought.. the emotion..
the "if's" the "and's" and the "but's".. the i love you's and the i miss you's, the cheesy cartoon smiles..
and the one lingering thought in the back of my head.. can it be real? will it be real? or is this it?
will he truly love me? for me? all of me? even my petty habits? can he appreciate me? or i, him?
will the spark be there at that first glance, the first contact of skin on skin, as it is now.. with mere visualizations?
will i be a disappointment? will my constant fear of loss continue to drive him away? further than ever before?
or will he be the first to reassure me and make me believe, he'll never leave me.. or utter goodbye as a final farewell.
is he "the one"? .. my soul mate? my other/better half? the missing puzzle piece? my saviour? i'd like to think so.
i have hope.. and i have doubt.. and then.. i close my eyes.. and his essence cascades over me.. like hot steam.
and once again, i am at peace.. and my thoughts wither into an incumbent coma.. without a thought or care.
harsh realizations abound.. this is now.. and i am but a mere muse.
a marionette with tattered strings... barely holding on.. yet never letting go..? i wonder, will he?
and then, i wake up from dreaming
-j | comments: Leave a comment   |
| | Subject: | [.crykies.] | | Time: | 01:09 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/thoughtful.gif) contemplative |
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| life is useless
bah.
i'm on lunch at work and i'm bored..
it's a glum and dreary day..
tj is annoying me and breaking every promise made..
why did i take him back?
why? because..
because i love him and i'm naive and stupid..
blah.
-j | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
| Subj: (no subject)
Date: 7/27/2004 5:59:28 PM Eastern Daylight Time
To: uninvolved
BELIEVE
I believe-
that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I believe-
that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I believe-
that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I believe-
that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I believe-
that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I believe-
that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I believe-
that you can keep going long after you feel you can't.
I believe-
that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I believe-
that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I believe-
that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
I believe-
that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I believe-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I believe-
that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I believe-
that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I believe-
that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I believe-
that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I believe-
that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I believe-
that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I believe-
that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I believe-
that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I believe-
that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other and just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I believe-
that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I believe-
that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I believe-
that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I believe-
that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
I believe-
that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I believe-
that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
This is the best email I've received in an awfully long time...
Thank You.. You. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Breaking Benjamin - Skin | | Subject: | [.bored.] | | Time: | 11:39 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/happy.gif) amused |
|
| YOUR PORN STAR NAME: (NAME OF FIRST PET + STREET YOU LIVE ON)
Salem Lee
YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (NAME OF YOUR FAVOURITE SNACK FOOD + GRANDFATHERS FIRST NAME)
Wheat Thin Leon
YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME: (FIRST WORD YOU SEE ON YOUR LEFT + FAVOURITE RESTRAUNT)
Tuesday Asian Cafe
EXOTIC FOREIGNER ALIAS: (Favorite Spice + Last Foreign Vacation Spot)
Garlic Cancun
SOCIALITE ALIAS: (Silliest Childhood Nickname + Town Where You First Partied)
BunkyNanticoke
"FLY GIRL" ALIAS (a la J. Lo): (First Initial + First Two or Three Letters of your Last Name)
J. Smi
ICON ALIAS: (Something Sweet Within Sight + Any Liquid in Kitchen)
Vanilla Dawn
DETECTIVE ALIAS: (Favorite Baby Animal + Where You Went to High School)
Tiger Hanover
BARFLY ALIAS: (Last Snack Food You Ate + Your Favorite Alcoholic Drink)
Cheezit Kamikazee
SOAP OPERA ALIAS: (Middle Name + Street Where You First Lived)
Lynn Loomis
ROCK STAR ALIAS: (Favorite Candy + Last Name Of Favorite Musician)
Skittles Waters
| | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | silence | | Subject: | [.empty.] | | Time: | 11:15 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/angry.gif) aggravated |
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| i want to hate it all away, over and over and over again
·there is far too much to be concerned with
·there isnt enough time to be concerned at all
·i know i'm loved but i'm done loving
·i need air, i feel smothered, i'm slowly dying
·i cant sleep
·these pills are making me frail
·you're killing me with every word
·i stumble continuously in your direction
·i cant see whats in front of me but i see you mocking me
·i hear your silence like deafening blows
···· | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Ani D. - Untouchable Face | | Subject: | [.wondering.] | | Time: | 11:55 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/sad.gif) discontent |
|
| thoughts.. thoughts.. thoughts..
where are you.. when i need you the most?
yes... you.
i need.. you... now. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Taking Back Sunday - You're So Last Summer | | Subject: | [oi.oi.oi] | | Time: | 07:31 pm | | Current Mood: | bouncy |
|
| Thank You Anqi for reminding me that I need to update, hahah!
Ok, so where to start..
The 4th ROCKED.. ayup it did.
I spent the entire weekend in NY with my family and some close friends..fun times fun fun!
We left PA on Friday night around 10:30 pm and got in around 2am, thats with 2 bathroom stops and procrasinating TJ to death.
Saturday I spent the day with my brother and his girlfriend shopping and showing TJ around, then Saturday night we went and saw the huge display of fireworks at my old place of employment [the bar] and had ourselves a few mixers and played some pool inbetween all of the festivities. The night was well as opposed to TJ wanting to rip apart a man who grabbed my ass and running into one of my exes from up there who decided to turn himself into a beligerent drunk and make a few snide remarks to TJ and I because we "looked" overly happy with each other.
Sunday [the 4th] was spent early morning shopping with my mother (myself, a tad bit hungover) fun as always.. @ 9am. Then on to cleaning and preparing dishes for our guests who were expected to arrive between 12 and 1 pm. The parade of boats on the lake took place at 2pm [cute] and the fireworks kicked off about 9:30pm. The day in a whole was marvelous despite my ulcer flaring up and disrupting my drinking and eating into an oblivion. So to end the utmost perfect weekend away from the hustle and bustle of the city TJ and I retired to bed about 1:30am and had the most fun we had all weekend [wink, wink, nudge, nudge] behind our closed bedroom door. [rawr]
Monday morning we awoke at 7:30am and packed up our bags to head back to our apartment.. to our surprise there was NO traffic or delays! YaY! Always a plus, dont you think? We got in about 11:30am after stopping for lunch and such and TJ had work at 3pm, blah! I slept from 2 till 5pm then 10 pm till 9 am, talk about recooperation? Hah! It was much needed, believe me.
So yeah.. there is my weekend in a nutshell..
I'm happy, even though my foot still fucking aches, throbs and kills.. and we're considering moving to NY in the future instead of building here in PA.
I've come a long way with my inner emotions, and to realize I'm very fucking lucky to have his love, all of it, for myself, for always.
later days
-j | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Breaking Benjamin - So Cold | | Subject: | [.ramblings.] | | Time: | 08:29 am | | Current Mood: | chipper |
|
| out of the frying pan, into the fire
I have an appt at 11am, blah.
First time out of the house other than the doc's in 5 days.
Damn this Broken Foot, DAMN IT!
Friends are marvelous people, even more so when you love them.
And the fact they can bring a smile so easily to your face.
"gawd DAMN youre beautiful doll. i hope youre still single at 30 so i can marry you."
Thank You Alex, I love You. <3 | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | How to make a jezzabella |
Ingredients:
1 part anger
5 parts arrogance
1 part leadership |
Method:
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add a little wisdom if desired! |
| | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Dido - White Flag | | Subject: | [ache] | | Time: | 10:23 pm | | Current Mood: | crushed |
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| there are no more tears to cry, for my eyes have run completely dry
·i ache
·i ache
·i ache
i miss everything i never knew, i will not know and all i need to know, all at once.
why me? why us? why now? why this? why? fucking why?
·i hurt
·i hurt
·i hurt | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Sarah McLaughlin | | Subject: | [.irony.] | | Time: | 08:14 am | | Current Mood: | disappointed |
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| ..just go away..
I know what I want to say, but I cant bring myself to say it.
Of any or all times ever, this would be the time I needed someone the most.
But, I dont want anyone/thing near me.
I dont want anyone/thing speaking to me.
I dont want anyone/thing looking at me.
I dont want to be touched.
My heart is broken, my mind is oblivious, my soul and body tortured.
The one thing I want most in life.. it seems I can never have.
I blame myself, he blames himself, we blame each other silently.
When neither of us are at fault for life's turns, twists and mishaps.
However,..
It helps keep the animosity down when there is something substantial to blame..
Especially for a loss.
I cant sleep, I can barely move and yet my eyes run dry of tears.
Do we try again? Do we chalk it up to fate and move on?
I dont know anything anymore, most of all I dont know myself.
I lay next to him and watch him sleep, remembering how I melt in his arms and embrace.
How sincere his eyes are when he speaks to me of our childhood and our past.
I question his love for me all the time but I know there is no one in this world who could love me more.
I may be his posession at times, a showpiece, or play the role of his whore.
I played the part of his wife, I played the mother, I played myself a fool.
But, I am his ego, his pride, his heart and his soul and forever will be.
There is no one else for either of us that could ever fill the void of what each other could.
I know that now. I've always known that.
Sometimes it hurts knowing that emotionally I cant trust anyone else, but the one who hurt me most.
Life is ironic.
Sleep beckons me, but death does as well..
And I've stop listening to both,.. years ago.
-j | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Linkin Park - Epiphany | | Subject: | [sigh] | | Time: | 09:39 am | | Current Mood: | numb |
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| i just want to understand, i just want to feel, i just want to believe
Sometimes I dont feel like you love me (atleast not how you say you do).
Sometimes I feel like your posession (instead of your significant other).
Sometimes I dont understand anything that comes out of your mouth.
13 years of agression has finally come to a head and its making me weak.
The stress right now is not needed, your cold shoulder and uncommunicative ways arent either.
I can not love someone who wont show me that they love me back.
I wont love someone who wont let me feel as thought their love matches mine.
If you miss her as badly as you make me feel that you do, I will not hold you back.
Please, for both our sakes just be man enough to face the fact that I cant be who you want anymore.
Be man enough to walk out the door and never look back, ever again.
I cant take the emptiness I feel when you're sitting here.
The vacant stare in your eyes at times kills me unlike any other weapon you may choose.
You wont discuss this with me, you just brush it off and that makes me feel more unwanted.
I need to know if it's me, if it's her, if it's anything at all?
I refuse to lose my pride over this, I refuse to cry over you again.
I can let you go, if I need too... | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | silence | | Subject: | synopsis. | | Time: | 07:44 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/okay.gif) blank |
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| TJ:
I dont know how or where to start, perhaps it's even best if I didnt, but I heard you today.. on the phone with her (not as though you hide your conversations) but this one struck me in the utmost surreal way. I realized you were happy. You were happy because you were talking to "her". No other reason at all. Just her in general. You spoke about things to her that I find personal to "us". Yes, US. Things she doesnt need to know or things I would rather her not have to know. She's not your problem anymore, she walked out on you, remember? You're supposed to call to talk to Katie, NOT HER. You made me feel like such a complete convenience and nothing more. I know it's stupid to realize this now, giving our situation, but.. If she hadnt done what she did, you'd still be with her, right? You'd have come home to her and started right off as a family. You, her, her other 2 kids and your daughter. I fit nowhere into that mix at all, and as of today, I know I never will. We have "us" and nothing more than that. I picked up your pieces again as I have always done. There is no inbetween anymore. As each day passes I realize more and more that perhaps taking you back wasnt right, because I'm much more deserving of something than just being someone's rebound and comfort "zone". Hearing you today killed any inspiration I had of us being this "family". I know you miss her, afterall.. you did love her. 2 years changes people. I changed, you changed. But I never moved on as completely as you had. I spent those 2 years learning about myself, growing up, moving on and trying my damnedest to forget you. Now here I am, helplessly falling victim to it all over again. You spent those 2 years constructing a new life for yourself, building a family and moving on from any memory of what we had. I dont blame you anymore. I dont hate you, but I do resent everything. I resent the fact I couldnt love anyone because I feared the same outcome as the one you and I had. And I resent that it was so easy for you to fall in love with someone and have a child with them. Then tell me that you still love me and always have. I think it's bullshit. I think a lot of this is bullshit and biased. I hate everything, and deep seated down inside there is some loathing saved just for you, but I refuse to become bitter over something that I couldnt stop. You say you want to grow old with me, I say thats fine and dandy, but can you honestly hold up to your end of the bargain? I find it hard to trust in that. Since once before you took the vow and broke it so easily a few years later. Am I naive? Of course. Am I stupid? No. I dont want to see you right now, I dont want to look at you, I dont even want to hear you. I need space, Yes, that's right, I am the one needing the space now. So please, just go away.
-Jenn | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Drain STH - I will follow | | Subject: | [.thinking.] | | Time: | 03:32 pm | | Current Mood: | contemplative |
|
| in my eyes you are the vision of uber serenity
5 years ago I never thought this is where I'd be, who I am, what I've become or how I would be perceiving things.
I was much weaker, I was married, I was quiet and reserved, proper and presentable.
I was meek and timid to who I was previous to being married and taken for granted.
I was employed full-time in a corporate world, a job some would only dream of having and using it as an escape.
I hated who I was, yet still came home every night as though I was Mary fucking Poppins on an abundance of X.
I cooked, cleaned, performed and obeyed every one of his commands and was still slighted and abused.
I awoke one day to a new outlook, followed it through, only to be hurt worse than anything else in this world.
I moved far away from everything/one I ever knew to help myself mend and heal from years of torment.
I still overcame it, worked it out, learned from it, became fueled by it and moved forward.
I made myself into a pretty hate machine surrounded by a wall of despise, loathing and condemnation.
Now, 5 years later, here I am.
The epitome of the former self,.. blank, numb, distrustful, empty, uncaring, envied, blunt, sarcastic, confused and yet, very stable.
The wall has been resurected and newly constructed to filter through/out the skeeves who try and tamper with me and my emotions.
I know it's insane to think I know who I am, because some people may never know, but I do. I know who I am now.
I'm no longer going to be weak or play the role of someone who is. I am no longer going to allow myself to be used.
I'm secure, I am secure in my job, in my future, in my relationship and in my life. I'm slowly becoming secure with myself.
I'm not a scared little girl, I never have been. I'm no longer fearing anything that has to deal with my health or my lonliness.
I'm going to deal myself a new deck of playing cards and follow suit instead of sitting out every hand.
Life is about choices and never having regrets. I'm not going to have any regrets about anything anymore.
I've begun to see it, yes,.. the BIG picture. I now see it, and I see it as clear as possible.
Can he change? Has he changed? Or will be resort back to who he was years ago?
Has he changed me? Have I really changed at all? Or is this who I have always been?
I think the answers lie ahead and one thing is for sure, I am ready for the storm this time.
I have a lot on my mind lately. This is just some randomness I found necessary to spew forth.
I need liquids, I'm parched.
·later days
-j | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Godsmack - Moonbaby | | Subject: | [.co·exisiting.] | | Time: | 08:56 am | | Current Mood: | contemplative |
|
| the sky is darkened with every spoken word of your past
I never thought it would end up being hard to just "be" with someone.
I never knew I would ache continuously because of someone's past.
I never thought that this person would be someone who is my past, yet is also my present.
I never knew that I would replace love with just cohabitation.
I always thought I was stronger than this and could live without needing someone, not just keep them around so I'm not alone.
I thought I could mend things with simple words, understanding, and brutal relating, I thought wrong.
I think I'm failing by fueling this asinine desire of mine to start a family.
I'm feeling ill.
I think I'm pregnant.
-j | | comments: Leave a comment |
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dislikable
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crazy